Leave of Absence, Day 1

Last Wednesday I left work in an ambulance. The work nurse was convinced I was having a heart attack and gave me aspirin at the advice of the 911 dispatch. The paramedics gave me nitroglycerin en route to the hospital. Blood tests showed extremely high stress. An EKG showed heart arrhythmia. A CT scan showed no damage or irregularities in my heart.

I suppose my panic attack was the final straw for me, and I went to work early today to file paperwork for a thirty day leave of absence.


I'm gonna try and post some little update or something every day. God knows I could use the little extra hobby income, and maybe it'll help me process some feelings.

Lately my focus has been on culture and place. I'm brewing so many deep ideas on it right now that'll come up as their own post, but it'll probably find it's way into a lot of posts coming up.

It was amazing putting down some roots during my two month furlough this spring. I got to interact with the soil here in this place every day. I actually learned about my soul here and got to expand my garden and how I grow. I planted things every day for weeks (that doesn't mean everything grew lol), and make plans and form a deeper relationship with this soil.

Place is soil. Culture is a thing of place. Food is from soil. Food makes humans. Tending the soil is tending the self. (Some fundamental things. Partial and incomplete, but foundational)

Anyways, I got to be close to the soil here and then it was time to go back to the steel, concrete, and diesel of my industrial job, and I think that's what's been fucking me up for a month or so that culminated into me going to the hospital last week. Trauma. So I'm taking some time off to process that and make a plan to develop some resilience and a little extra liberty.

It's nearly 11pm now, and I'm going to try and get on a normal human schedule, so I'm going to bed.

Y'all have a blessed whatever day it is.

Take time to heal

Nate 💚

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Maybe this is the correct timing to break away from that shit job... Hope you heal up and begin finding other ways to sustain the homestead that are more in tune with your earthy nature.

I would, but right now the shit job is a $30/an hour means to an end. If I can temper myself to handle it without dying (that's the important bit), I'll be debt free in a couple years and able to do whatever the hell I want with a LOT less stress.

Tough situation mate, hope you manage to make through in one piece!

It will be good for you to keep continuing to write, staying connected to mother earth is always an uplifting experience

Babe. Welcome to the world of panic attacks. The first one I had I went to hospital - it was after a guy was running around our camp with an axe. Crazy. I thought I was having a heart attack. Now I get down on my hands and knees, feel the earth under me, and breath as slow as I can. Failing that, emergency diazapem to bring the heart rate down. I'd love a herbal remedy that did the same but I'm yet to find one - they're pretty scary and intense. I'm glad you are back in the soil - the contrast between the man made, constructed world and your place in earth is really hard to reconcile babe, especially in these crazy times. Love you. @riverflows.

@riverflows I don't wanna be welcomed to the world of panic attacks! Lol 🤣

So, during my thing, my heart rate was irregular between 50-75 erratically. Not high like I've heard of. If I'd had some.thingnto bring it down, that'd be the opposite of helpful. The other day I was sitting and had the symptoms again and checked my pulse and it was 40! Not a bad resting heart rate, and would actually be a really really good thing if it was a healthy thing. I need my lungs to catch up and get their act together. Need something that can heal lung tissue scarring... Any idea what that might be?

Lung tissue scarring? Can I defer to @artemislives?

Yeah no, who wants to be in the Panic Attack Club?

That's what I'm wondering about right now. As I sit here at home after not having worn a mask for a couple days, still unable to catch my breath. Wondering if my dozen cases of pneumonia are catching up to me lol

there's nothing worse than not being able to breath. i get that. For me it's often iron. xx

Oh, Nate, I am so sorry you had a panic attack. They are mighty scary! I am glad it wasn't a heart attack.

Another 30 days on the homestead! I hope that really helps you recover.

I'll be thinking of you as I work on my homestead....

Yeah, it really freaked me right out lol hoping between the time off, some new more consistent meditation, and some fixing of the diet, I'll be more resilient when it's time to go back.

Should have some really cool homestead developments soon too :)

I'd love to see the developments!

Time to give up the "shit job" it would seem. So many of us LIVE on this "hobby income" 🤣 and you really need to be healthy to be there for your family. Soil, earth, connection - it takes TIME.

Hoping to see you on Hive much more often as you rest and heal and find perspective.

The same magnesium that will heal your arrhythmia and your cramps will help with stress and anxiety. x I say that as I am soaking my feet in magnesium whilst Hiving before dinner, as I do most days. 😊

I'm going to the herb store today for magnesium :) funded by hobby money. I wish I could live on blog money, I'd quite my job right now lol

And quercetin too. I remember that helping with stress and detox type stuff.

Such a weird contradiction. From what you wrote, my impression was just: soil, air, plants, sunshine... no, I don't think that's what caused your panic attack. But something did! When you finally mentioned your "steel, concrete, and diesel" job, I thought, Now that could be it.
Wishing you good healing with more plants, soil, and sun! Please get better!

Exactly. I think it was the trauma of going back to work so fast, having more workload than ever before due to staffing shortages, and having to wear a very constrictive mask.

Oh no! Sounds like a perfect storm scenario.

Wow. This sounds intense. I hope and expect that the next 30 days are going to be life changing in the best way possible. Work to live don't live to work. Health is way more important than money.

Take care of yourself, take plenty of rest and rejoice with nature.

Big hug,


Hey Nate! sorry to hear of your panic attack but glad you were smart enough to take the time to heal and build up your resilience - working your way back in instead of jumping from your in tune with the soil nature and gardening lifestyle to the total opposite working with concrete, steel and diesel!
Be well and here's hoping you get out of the rat race sooner than later!