A Letter To My Younger Self!
As I sat writing up the weekly gems for Abundance.Tribe, I took the time to listen to Kurt Robinson's (@churdtzu) podcast, Hopelessness to Wonder with Kenny Palurintano. I recommend you go check it out. During the interview Kurt asked Kenny to go back and speak to his younger self, which made me think about what I would say to myself. What words of encouragement, would I have loved to receive, during some of my most difficult times.
Sitting here now, thinking about those times when I felt so alone and scared, when I wished, I could have just disappeared. When everything was such a struggle and I felt so hopeless. These were times, when I was just a child, feeling trapped, with no way to escape what was happening to me. When I just wanted to give up!
I know that you feel a darkness over you, that you feel it follow you wherever you go, and that you believe that it will hover over you forever.
Sometimes it really bares down on you and that, along with the physical abuse, is just too much to handle at times. But You, you are so strong, and within you is such a bright light, a light that just keeps growing.
This light is who you are, the darkness, yes you have a little bit of that inside,we all do, but the darkness that hangs over you, that is not yours and it will soon go.
But, This is something that you just have to go through for now. No, it doesn't make any sense and it is so unfair, because no child should ever have to feel this unsafe in their home.
You do deserve better and never feel guilty for feeling so. Your father, he himself had a very traumatic childhood and he is repeating what happened to him, he knows no better. He never learned what it means to be loved and feel protected. This does not make his behaviour okay, but maybe you will be able to understand a little and not hold so much hate inside.
You are so brave and so courageous, please stop doubting yourself and know that you deserve to be loved. That you did nothing wrong,that the abuse you are experiencing is not your fault,it is because your parents do not know how to deal with their own pain and hurt, so they take it out on you and your sister.
All those places that you have been reading about in books, you will get to go there and have the most wonderful experiences. You will live your dreams.
All the pain and hurt, all the fear and insecurity you have now, will actual help you see the world for what it really is and there will come a time when you will be a little grateful for what you went through.
You will become a mother yourself and all those worries you have, about turning out like your parents, will be for nought.
You will soon make some good friends in school and you will always have the outdoors to run to, this itself is a gift and your wonderful connection with nature is what really carries you through.
You are loved and your life will change so much in the next few years, all this that you have been going through, that will change,the pain and hurting will stop and you will get to move away, with the sea between you and your home. Such a wonderful life awaits you!
I am so proud of you xxxxx
This has been quite an emotional experience for me, but also very nurturing. Signing off now, with tears in my eyes and feeling quite proud of my journey so far.