10,000 Hours - Hour 120

in OCD6 days ago

For those of you who either follow me or possibly stumbled across my last post , you already know of the developments in the past month of my life. For those who do not, I will summarize it as simplistically and briefly as possible; I got sick. My employer treated me like shit throughout my sickness. I have a wedding coming up in another country. I didn't love my job. So I quit. And I was proud. Proud, nervous, excited, stressed; a myriad of different emotions. BUT, I was so happy to have a clear head while heading out to Chile for my wedding, and was confident that the timing had been perfect.

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Now, the inevitable PLOT TWIST that seems to accompany me everywhere I go. Three days prior to my flight, Chile decided to close their borders.

I certainly don't mean to complain, and I promise that I will talk about this as briefly as possible. Honestly, at this point, it has become humorous to me. Of course, the day I heard the news, I was devastated. My fiancee, who has been patiently waiting in Santiago for me since she left Vermont in December, was just as devastated. She has been working so hard to find and secure a date for our civil registry and subsequent celebration(which we had already cancelled, due to rises in their COVID numbers). I've been doing as much as I can from the another continent, but she has without a doubt done the majority of the work. And it has been very stressful on her.

So, yeah, we were devastated. I spent the last 3/4 days in a very down mood. I didn't want to leave my bedroom or see anybody. I had to go to a "goodbye" dinner with my father and his wife on Saturday evening, and had chosen to relay the message to them there instead of letting them know beforehand. At a certain point, when your luck is comically bad, you get tired of having to tell other people bad news about your plans or life. It's not the negativity I want to radiate. And their seeming excitement didn't help that notion either. Besides, they had both recently reached their two week post-vaccination mark; so I think they were more than excited to get out of the house and see anyone; regardless of whether it was me or not, good news or bad news. So I wanted to let them have that.

Sunday I went to my sister's house and had to break the news to them for Easter as well. I almost wasn't able to drag myself to do that(especially because I don't personally celebrate nor care for Easter); but I haven't seen her young kids in a long time, so I put on my most easter-like colored clothing and headed over the mountain pass for an outdoor, distanced fire, and gave them the bad news.

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Looking Forward

Part of the reason I didn't want to mention this in my last post was I did not want to drag on the negativity. And I knew I would. I figured I would give myself a little time, and see if I would pull myself out of my depression hole.

I suppose I did, in a sense. I mean, let's be real, I will never actually pull myself out of depression. That, I've learned, unfortunately is a forever part of me. Which I'm ok with, and I'm learning to deal with. In fact, writing these posts has become a new addition to my therapy; and aside from my passion for writing, and the community here, is really the only reason I publish them.

But I got myself out of my funk. Yesterday I had had my fair share of wallowing in sadness, and I forced myself to go on a decent hike. Hiking is something I have always enjoyed, and something I wish I did much, much more. My biggest problem with hiking where I live is finding the balance between bushwhacking and having to deal with encountering dozens of other people on the trails. I don't particularly have a problem with passing other people; however a large part of the reason I hike is to allow my dog the freedom to be off leash. Despite his overly sweet heart, he appears rather intimidating to some; and it's a drama I'd rather avoid. Especially because we live in the type of small community that if someone were to make a public complaint(as people seem to like to do here on Front Porch Forum), everyone would immediately know they were speaking of my dog and then he would be in kinda the "hot seat".

Yesterday we hiked a decent amount. I would guess it was about 6 miles, due to some information on my phone I saw after; however I did not check it going in so I'm really just guessing. Raiden hasn't had a lot of opportunities for exercise this winter due to COVID and my job, so it was his first time on a hike since the fall. He is NOT moving well today 😂 at all. I am considering going on another hike this afternoon(as I, just like he, have managed to gain some serious COVID weight)- but there's no way he's making it on this one.

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The Waiting Game

So, where do I go from here? The events of the past month have left me in a very confusing time. I left my job in somewhat of a "huff", and I don't really having any interest in giving them a fake apology and asking if I can work until the undetermined date of when I will be allowed to go to Chile and get married. I work(ed) another part time job at the local Thai restaurant, and although they had "fixed" the schedule already in preparation for my wedding, I'm sure they would still have some hours for me. As with any restaurant, they are always in need of extra help.

But that certainly wouldn't be full time. And to make matters more difficult, as I just mentioned, I have no idea when I will be leaving. The Chilean government will reassess their situation on May 1st, so I could be allowed to travel as soon as that. Additionally, there's a chance I could be vaccinated within the next few months. In Vermont, as of April 19th, a 27 year old is allowed to sign up for vaccinations. Could being vaccinated open up doors otherwise closed? Could I receive an exemption from border closure if I am fully vaccinated? Especially since I am going for a real reason, not just some gringo boy COVID vacation?

I have saved enough money to potentially survive this time without a full time job. But I don't really want to do that; at all. But I also don't feel like getting a new job, just to leave suddenly at any given point. It's a pretty confusing time.

I also want to use this time to write. I had planned on using my time in Chile to do so, and I was really excited for that. It gave me a good excuse. They take COVID a lot more seriously there; so I would be mostly inside the apartment, and it seemed like a good opportunity to give a second go at writing a novel. About 6 years ago or so, I wrote about 60,000 words of one, that managed to get lost. Lately, I've been really craving giving it another shot; potentially submitting it to some indie publishers and see how it goes. But that's a big time commitment; and it's difficult to find the time.

One way or another, I'll make it through this. It all happened so recently that I haven't really concentrated on figuring it all out. I would still be en route to Chile right this moment as of 5 days ago. Day by day, I'll get through this. Mentally, I've already made quite a large bit of progress in the past few days. 36 hours ago I was in a very dark mental place; locked in my bedroom, unwilling to even walk past my room mate to make myself a cup of coffee. Now, here I am, sitting at the "dining table" (we live in a small 2 bedroom condo. It's just a random table), drinking tea, making good food, looking out the window, motivated to write, create, exercise, and move forward with my life.

And on that note, I'll start wrapping up this post. I want to make these a little shorter; more approachable. I am so grateful for all of you who read these; no need to comment, just know that it is appreciated. When I first began writing these personal posts on Steemit it was clear no one read them(which I think was more of a standard on that platform in general), and I quickly stopped. It's really encouraging to have more interaction here. I love making the connections I do on here because this is a platform I feel I can be more open about things than in my usual life. I started writing these as, yes, a coping mechanism for my MDD/bipolarity/mania; but I also wanted to somehow morph it into a tool to help others going through similar things. Sometimes, even hearing what someone else is going through can help, and, to bring this full circle back to my point, this is why I want to start making them shorter. I have a tendency to ramble ramble ramble, and I usually have no idea where one of these is going when I start it.

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I'm going to sign off for a bit and go for another hike. Looks like Raiden will be sitting this one out. One piece of positivity to come from all this is that I will have a lot more time to get to know more of you here on the HIVE platform.

<3

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Hang in there, I've been separated from my family by governments before. I am hoping you two can reunite very soon. Thanks for sharing this heartfelt post. I'm burning 100 LOTUS to promote this.


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Wow, thank you! That is very much appreciated. I'm sorry you have had to deal with similar hardships. All love to you and yours, thank you for reading <3

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